Divine and Dateless by Tara West

Author:Tara West [West, Tara]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781500400309
Amazon: B00LK36I9I
Barnesnoble: B00LK36I9I
Goodreads: 22543639
Publisher: CreateSpace Publishing
Published: 2014-07-02T04:00:00+00:00

Imagine the Seahawks stadium was an office building. Now imagine that office building filled with an endless sea of four by four cubicles. Section 3-B, cubicle ninety-six, was supposed to be my workstation for the next ten to twenty years of my miserable existence. Our messaging center handled every prayer request for the entire Pacific Northwest.

And believe me, from the moment I clocked in to the moment I clocked out, my inbox was inundated with new messages. It was my job to listen to each plea to our Lord and Savior and decide to either delete the request or forward it up the chain of command. Honestly, most of the prayer requests were stupid. Hey, buddy, instead of praying to God for a new television, why don’t you quit calling in sick to work and earn the money to buy one yourself. Your mom’s not charging rent. It shouldn’t take long to save up.

Occasionally, I’d get a prayer that broke my heart, like little Jessica whose cat was poisoned, begging God to bring her pet back to life. Even though I suspected there was little God could do, I forwarded that prayer. Even if God couldn’t bring back her cat, maybe he could offer the kid something to brighten up her day, like another kitten.

Unfortunately, I rarely heard kids’ prayers. Most of the day the prayers went something like this, “Oh, God, please don’t stop! Oh, God, Yes! Yes! Yes!” So basically, I got to listen to people cry out in the throes of passion most of the day. I wondered if people realized how often they called out God’s name while having sex.

What’s the deal with that, anyway? Did you forget the name of the guy who’s banging your brains out? Is that why you have to keep calling to God instead?

Geez Louise. How was I supposed to handle listening to that, day in and day out, when I’d left the vibrator I’d affectionately named Bubba back on Earth? I loved Bubba, too. I’d gotten him at the Megaplex for half price, and no, Bubba wasn’t used, or so the clerk reassured me. He had gotten me through the last five lonely years of my life. A wild and crazy idea crossed my mind, but then I quickly dismissed it. I’d thought about asking Grim to retrieve Bubba for me. Not just because I really wanted him, but because my mom was going to freak when she found it. I could ask Grim. It wouldn’t be hard for him to find it, top drawer, right by the pack of expired, unopened condoms.

I really could ask him, but I knew I never would have the guts. What exactly would I say? “Hey, I’m horny. Could you go get my vibrator?” What if he offered me his services instead? Even though I’d promised myself to never have sex with him, my resolve was about as tenuous as a fresh box of bon bons at a PMS Anonymous meeting.

Speaking of PMS, I had no idea if women got their periods in Heaven, but I’d been feeling bloated and crampy all day.

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